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Tuesday, 17 February 2004
*Does a little happy dance*
So I'm sitting at work, watching Foamy (who frigin' rocks)and I get an email from my master. I can't make any noise but I do get this huge smile. I can't help it. I just love getting mail from him. I feel so hyper now. I was given the best assignment for tonight. (no kissing or telling though)
No need to complain. I do feel a lot better. Though I need to feel him soon. I really want to meet him. I'm thinking March since in February, I am busy every weekend. But, I'll see how it goes. I know I may end up a bit standoffish (I know it isn't a word but it will since my tired mind can't think beyond that) So I hope he helps me relax.
That's it for now.
Night All :)
Posted by krisarayn
at 11:36 PM PST
Monday, 16 February 2004
Too Much Energy
Okay, last night. This feels like hell. I know he said he would check to see if I mailed him tomorrow.
I sound like I'm in love or something. Maybe I am in love with the idea of submitting myself. The need for it seeping and flowing through my veins and into every small hole of my being. Maybe I should have passed myself about my assignment. Taken more time so I could have something to do.
At least I'm coming to my senses. PMS dying down. (It said that the whole emotional alignment goes crazy even during a period) I know I just miss the assignments and him calling my pet in teh emails. I even miss reading the nickname he gave me. But it's only been four days (and during those days I was on)
So tonight I had to go to the gym.(Wat too much energy) Today I found myself dreaming about submitting to him. On my knees, taking him into my mouth as he comands. Bending over his knee as he spankes me senseless for his own pleasure. Hearing him in a public place and allowing him to have so much power over me that I just become sumissive with a hello.
But then, in all of my dreams and day dreams, I find it easier to say Sir than Master. I believe that with love will come that word. For now it will be Sir.
But I am looking forward to my email tomorrow. see what he says. I hope he sees this. It is for him afterall.
Posted by krisarayn
at 11:29 PM PST
Sunday, 15 February 2004
Close to Giving in
I sit here now, my emotions telling me that I am true submissive. I have spent the day reading more about the scene, and the more I read, the more I begin to settle into the submissive role. I begin to see myself as such.
But then I also begin to become nervous about my future master. What does he like, will there be chemistry between us when we do meet? Better yet, if there is, will I be able to control the urge to give in to what he wants? My emotions are screwing with me. I feel tired a lot more often and at the same time, full of energy. This is so frigin' confussing.
I feel like I am going through withdraw this weekend though. My potetial master is gone and the last email was on Thursday. Feel like crap right now.
I'm going to bed.
Posted by krisarayn
at 9:08 PM PST
Saturday, 14 February 2004
My Thoughts Since Finding Him
It's a bit of a mix of emotions. I feel like I'm being spun in a circle. I feel shy and quite. Yet I feel freeer and happier at the same time. My thoughts are jumbled all the time.
After the first week, all I can think about is my possible master. My actions are being ruled about my need to please him. I look up more information on the scene in order to make sure I am not ignorant and cause him any disgrace.
I watched Quills, and as the sex scenes and a few of the punishments went by, I thought of ways he could try them on me. Ways I can be taken, punished. All for his pleasure, his needs, and wants.
At this point in time, I am now dreaming about submission. It is taking over my thoughts. I was asked to type out a rough dragh of the contract. I was also asked to think about the emotions I felt while writing. And I did.
It made me think. I feel so excited and scared. It is a commitment on paper. I want to give myself, yet it's that I don't know this man. I mean really know him. Yet I have this feeling to give myself to him.
It also makes me wonder what he thinks of me? I get the usual pleasantres(sp) but I'm not sure. Every few emails I get a few things that said I did a good job and such, but I would really like to know what I do for him. Any emotions involved in what could be D/s relationship? Does he have any doubts? Maybe it's just the hormones goign out of wack at this time.
Posted by krisarayn
at 11:45 PM PST
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